Remains (2011)

Remains-Cover1small

This is most definitely a B movie. Not that I am dissing B movies as a whole, I have watched some very good B movies, however this was not one of them. Not only is this a bad film, but worse than that, it’s a boring film. This film took me two sittings to get through and even then I found myself skipping bits in a desperate attempt to make the film go faster. I got the basic plot and probably tuned in for most of it but unfortunately I think that the lame and slightly random plot that makes little sense is as much down to the film itself as it is to my periodic skipping of rubbish bits.

The plot is set in what appears to be an almost-our-reality alternative present (I would have said a not-too-distant future – but it is clearly not the future) where a contraption has been manufactured that can de-weaponize all nuclear weapons, everywhere in the world simultaneously and therefore bring an end to all threats of nuclear war. Fantastic. What do you bet something goes horribly wrong?

At the beginning of the film we enter Reno, where we are introduced to our soon-to-be main characters (who I failed to learn the names to, whoops). We meet Arsehole, a chap who has recently returned to Reno after having been expelled for some reason we are not privy to. He quickly earns the name I have chosen for him by yoinking a drink off a waitress’s tray, strolling up to a bar and having a quick altercation with another waitress who shall be nicknamed Whore. Scene cuts to Gay Magician* who is performing terrible magic up on stage in this same bar/casino/hotel – he fails at magic and wanders off looking forlorn. We then cut back to Arsehole, who has now seduced Whore and is having sex with her in the back room. It is clear that they do not especially like one another, but he is apparently paying her with drugs (I think this was the case, either that or just paying her money…) Cut to Gay Magician who is in another storage room rooting around for something. Enter Zombies.

On a television we see live footage of the activation of the miracle anti-nukes contraption, and just as the machine is turned on the screen goes to white noise and we see a very large fireball explode in the distance. The ground shakes and all the lights go off. Oh dear. Eventually lights go on again and Whore and Arsehole go exploring to see what happened. We now get to possibly the best bit of the film. As our heroes (?) are wandering around the bar they come across Gambling Granny, who has now been zombiefied. She attacks and is beaten to death by Arsehole with her own zimmerframe. Classy. They meet up with Gay Magician and come across some still working CCTV cameras, where they see hundereds of zombiefied people attacking two people standing on the back of a wagon. One chap, who we shall name Douchebag, pushes the other into the zombies and makes a run for it, getting let into the hotel/bar where the others are hiding out. We now have our main characters.

The next half an hour is them wandering around having brief conversations and drinking a lot while occasionally bumping into zombies inside the hotel and generally being rubbish. For some reason they then end up going outside (maybe I skipped the reason?) and are seriously attacked by zombies. Douchebag manages to escape and runs back to the hotel where he is confronted by Gay Magician who is a little pissed that he just left the others outside to die. Douchebag is a douchebag. All is not lost however as the military manage to rescue the others and all return to the hotel. We are not sure we like the military, especially not Scary General. Oh, did I mention that during this predicament Arsehole had two of his fingers bitten off? Well, he did. Arsehole meets Female Soldier, daughter to Scary General, and they seem to get on well. Whore is suspicious. Scene cuts to Gay Magician sneaking around and discovering that the military has stolen all their food supplies and intends on leaving them at the hotel to starve. He steals an unguarded gun – seems like a good idea. Turns out not to be. Gay Magician and Whore confront the military, Female Soldier looks shocked, Douchebag turns out to be in on it. Gay Magician hurt by this. Scary General notices Gay Magician with gun and shoots Gay Magician in the head. Aww, Gay Magician is dead. Whore grabs the gun and shoots at the military and runs off. Arsehole is stuck with the military, but manages to escape by unleashing a load of locked-up zombies. Millitary plus Douchebag drive off, leaving Whore and Arsehole with no food, but plenty of booze, shocker – they get drunk. Whore and Arsehole start making out, but just before they can bone, Female Soldier comes driving down the road and crashes her car – somewhat destroying the mood. Arsehole rescues Female Soldier in a cage-ball that was apparently part of the magic act (what kind of weird-ass magic trick involves one of those?) and they all once again retreat to the hotel. We learn that everyone else has been killed by a super horde in the desert, poor Douchebag. Whore is angry that Female Soldier has probably led the horde right to them, she steals Female Soldiers explosives that she brought with her. Arsehole decides it is time to leave, they have a car and are going to blow up the hotel (another bit of the plot I missed) but Female Soldier breaks her leg so Whore knocks out Arsehole and leaves them (she does not wish to be slowed down). She is attacked and blown up while trying to leave in the car. Arsehole comes around and leaves with Female Soldier just before the hotel blows up. Whore apparently survived explosion and we see her wandering the streets at the end kicking zombie ass.

Believe it or not, this is not a good film. None of the characters are particularly likeable, and the three main guys look shockingly alike, making them initially hard to distinguish between (I think the casting director had a thing for white, short-haired, brunette chaps). The zombies are both awesome and annoying at the same time – the makeup is gruesome but not especially realistic and would make an excellent Halloween costume (if only I celebrated Halloween…). For some reason the zombies like to choose between when they wish to attack and when they wish to ignore you purely at random. They also sleep standing up, which is hard enough to do when alive, let alone when zombiefied. The script is sub-par and the acting is shoddy and I’m really not sure why I bothered, except that I felt the need to watch this so that I could review it and save you all the bother!  So there you are – now you don’t have to watch it yourself! You should buy me beer in thanks.

Written by Liz 🙂

*He is actually gay in the film, has a boyfriend and everything, this is not just me stereotyping him because he sounds a bit camp and had waxed eyebrows…

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