When a review I was reading claimed that Dead Snow (2009) was only the 3rd best Zombie Nazi film of all time I decided it was high time I watched the supposed top two. Now, as a massive fan of Dead Snow, I had high hopes for Zombie Lake, with it being placed at Number One and being given the acclaim of ‘one of the greatest works of cinema ever created’, alas I was massively let down. There are very few zombie films I will not at least sit through once in order to review, but this was one of the rare few that even my dedication could not endure. Over the last month I have attempted this film in 5-10 minute chunks, hoping to one day claw my way to the end. I have finally given up.
Put bluntly, Zombie Lake is shit. Not good shit, but oh so certainly BAD shit. The plot goes as follows (courtesy of IMDB) “In World War II, in a small village in France vanquished by the German army, a local woman has a love affair with one soldier and they have a daughter, Helena. One day, the German soldiers are ambushed and killed by the French Resistance and their bodies are thrown into a lake. Ten years later, the soldiers become an army of undead attacking the locals. The Mayor, who was part of the resistance, organizes a posse with a flamethrower, to destroy the living dead, and uses the girl Helena to help them.”
Now if I’m honest the plot itself should have given me at least a hint that this was not the high calibre film the blog made it out to be, but nothing could have prepared me for the sheer dullness that was about to unfold in front of me. OH MY WORD THE BOREDOM. How can flesh-eating, un-killable Nazis be SO DULL!?! Well, let me tell you how. Our ‘zombie’ is a normal dude in an army uniform, painted green. Granted this is quite amusing for the first minute or so, especially when you see his facepaint rub off on his victims, but there is still only so long that bad costume can keep you amused.
On the occasion we actually see our zombie kill someone the scene is pretty much him making out with their neck, with the tiniest bit of blood. Seriously – they need to get a room. Oh wait, they did! Although he did a pretty good job of mimicking making out with someone when he was supposed to be killing them, the ACTUAL making out scene is the most poorly acted soft porn about. Maybe he had corpse breath, I don’t know, but the make-out/sex scene is oddly similar to watching someone smoosh Barbie and Ken together to pretend they are doing it, only perhaps Barbie and Ken are a bit more animated.
The film tried really hard to gain attention through its use of nudity and sex, but even this attempted erotica is dull. Our opening scene is of a woman swimming naked in a lake and even thought I am sure this is supposed to be fascinating and alluring (I suffer from being straight and not male at this point) there is nothing to back it up – just boring, monotonous dullness. If I wanted to see two hours of French villagers going about their French village life I would go to France where at least there would be good wine to sweeten the deal. Maybe that is why I found getting through this film so hard – not enough wine!
Perchance that is also why the blog writer thought Zombie Lake was so good – he had had a lot to drink, or perhaps he was smoking something…. who knows. If not drunk he must either be an imbecile or hate foreign films to have placed Zombie Lake higher than Dead Snow (a Norwegian sub-titled film) let alone place it at Number One! Granted Zombie Lake has far more boobs than Dead Snow, but still. If he wanted to see boobs he should have skipped this and gone for Zombie Strippers (2008). The number two spot on the list was saved for Almost Human a.k.a Shock Waves (1977) and although it cannot possibly be worse than Zombie Lake, my desire to watch it has rapidly dissipated. I will probably still give it a go, but when even the other blogger admits it could use more gore…. Not holding out great hopes for it….
For the original blog of top 5 Nazi Zombie films go here: http://www.zombiecommand.com/humour/top-5-nazi-zombies-movies/
Do not despair! Once I have enhanced my knowledge of all the Nazi Zombie films I can find I will provide you with my own top 5!