Almost Human (1977) AKA Shockwaves

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The poster is much more exciting than the actual film

From previous posts you have no doubt stumbled upon my quest to discover the best Nazi-Zombie movie of all time. After having done some study on the topic, critics have suggested that Shockwaves (not sure why it is also called Almost Human…) is up there as one of the most popular/famous, cult-classic Zombie-Nazi films of all time. Now I’m not one of those ‘must-go-against-popular-opinion-just-to-be-controversial’ kind of people but after discovering the popularity of Zombie Lake (1981) which is for all intents and purposes SHIT, I have come to distrust popular blog writers’ opinions on such things. Part of me thinks they just want to appear ‘cultured’* by liking old, weird movies that no one else gets and finding their ‘artistic value’.  But fear not dear reader! For I have no qualms about being uncultured and I am quite happy to tell you when a film bored me half to death even if it is supposed to be ‘cinematic genius’! (Not that I think anyone is really claiming Shockwaves to be cinematic genius, but still…)

Anywho – the good news first. Shockwaves is DEFINITELY BETTER THAN ZOMBIE LAKE!! Phew. Bad news is that it’s not much better than Zombie Lake, although I did manage to sit through it all in one sitting (which is a drastic improvement)

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Like a lot of low budget horror films from the 70’s/80’s Shockwaves is far more interested in capitalizing in on the decades’ fascination with horror and zombies than it is with delivering anything particularly special to the genre.  Its plot is typical and underwhelming – consisting of a group of attractive people getting washed up on an island and discovering its cursed inhabitants: resulting in their ultimate doom. Alas their ‘doom’ is pretty shit as they are up against (5?) evil Nazi zombies that die if you remove their swimming goggles and are pretty easy to get the jump on as they slowly lurch out of the water.

De-goggled!
De-goggled!

I am, alas, highly susceptible to getting annoyed by films where the ‘threat’ is hardly threatening at all. In reality Crocodiles pose a much greater danger to our survivors – there are likely more of them in the lagoons, they are stronger, faster, better camouflaged and they have no goggles to pull off! That should totally be the sequel:

“Shockwaves 2 (aka Almost Crocodile) : A group of summer vacation students’ boat breaks down off the coast of a mysterious island, where they discover a Neo-Nazi animal trainer has conscripted the islands reptilian population to his cause.”

It would be FANTASTIC. You could try and make all the crocodiles Nazi-salute, you could spray-paint swaztikas onto them, have them doing drills on the beach…. Alas there seem to be no pictures of this on the internet! OH MY WORD!! That is how they should have made Surf Nazis Must Die – using Salt Water Crocodiles!!  THAT is how I would make this film – combine Surf Nazis must die with Shockwaves and Lake Placid, with maybe a hint of Jaws. That could be the 3rd film! Nazi Crocodiles in the first, then Nazi Sharks in the next (basically Jaws but with more swastikas I guess) OOOORR!! What would REALLY be awesome is to have the original plot of Shockwaves but instead of the boat survivors, have CHUCK NORRIS!!! Man I should make films!

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Alas it lies – Chuck Norris was actually born in 1940 according to IMDB 😦

*Ahem* Sorry – that was slightly off topic – clearly I find imagining my own versions of this film more interesting than the film itself. Let’s wrap this up. Shockwaves is sit-throughable but is not a particularly interesting watch. For all those that give it high acclaim I recon they are just doing it because it is old and liking old movies is ‘hip’ or ‘retro’ or whatever. It isn’t scary and it isn’t particularly entertaining. Call me de-sensitized or over-stimulated or whatever, give me Dead Snow any day.

*Not entirely sure how cultured you can really claim to be if your main movie base consists of old-school zombie horror films though…

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